To Hell in a Handbasket!

Yup, that's where we're all going ... to Hell in a handbasket. And just so you know, the online dictionary defines handbasket as follows:

1. a small basket with a handle for carrying by hand.

That means when we all go to Hell, we're all going to fit in one small basket that someone else will carry by hand. The question is: Who is going to carry all of us in one little ol' basket? Dorothy Gale is the only person I've ever seen even carrying a handbasket but I don't care if Judy Garland was a drug addict. There's no way someone who sang like her went anywhere but Heaven. If we're going to Hell, I guess Satan will be doing the carrying. I hope he gets a backache, that little mofo.

The next question, of course, is why are we all going to Hell in a handbasket? Because Anna Nicole died and we paid so much attention to that fact we'll probably all go blind before we go to Hell in a handbasket. And now Britney has shaved her head and we're all looking at the loopy, drugged-out look on her face right after she shaved her head and then we look at her head which reminds us of Natalie Portman's shaved head in that movie with the creepy guy in the mask, only Natalie is so beautiful with hair or without it, that it only makes Britney look more pathetic with no hair on her head and look ... there I go ... prattling on about some sickly, desperate celebrity who shows off her cooter to anyone who will look at it without thinking, "Hey, K-Fed's been there."

And then I just read that this is the "Year of the Pig" and that some Chinese fortune teller says it's going to be a disasterous year for all of us who aren't born this year. When you think about it, that's all of us ... the same "all of us" who are going to Hell in a handbasket. So, yeah, the Chinese fortune teller is right. This is going to be a disasterous year. I mean what's worse than going to Hell in a handbasket that's crammed full of everybody else - even Britney with her shaved head and naked cooter? And you know who else is going to be in that basket? That crazy astronaut in her diaper, Donald Trump bragging about how "The Apprentice" is the most successful show in the history of television, Larry King looking to interview Anna Nicole's third grade substitute teacher because she's the only one who hasn't weighed in on the "tragedy" and Tim Hardaway pushing anyone who looks gay away from his side of the basket.

So, before I climb into the handbasket bound for Hell, I'll be looking around just in case there's a mode of transportation that might be heading north. My eyes will be scanning heavenward, in search of angels 'cause you know what they say ... "The way to Heaven is on the wings of angels."